I know I have not written anything this month, I got a touch of the dreaded lurgy at the beginning of the month and as I have a mild form of chronic fatigue it has taken me all month to bounce back so to speak.
Anyway I did plan to write something before the end of the month and I have been slowly working on a piece about civil protective measures for survivors, in particular myself, but it will have to wait until another day as this week has been tough and I thought rather than be dragged down by it I would write it down on here… spot of self cleansing so to speak.
It is difficult for me to place my trust in others in a variety of situations and for many reasons, but mainly because over the years that trust has been broken, trodden on, used against me!
I am usually very good at maintaining my boundaries within my life, at work, home, friends, family and of course my abuse. Rarely do these things cross over, for example if I have issues at home I don’t take this to my work and vise versa… and I work hard each day at ensuring that my abuse does not over shadow these areas of my life.
Now anyone that works in the industry of gender based violence will be well aware that those of us that have been victims of such a trauma do experience side affects shall we say and those do impact on our daily life regardless wither this is at work, home or play…
My side affect, quirks if you like are; trust, honesty and reliability, these are important to me, in fact they are vital to me, they help me keep my life in order, they enable me to work, care, socialise and ensure that my abuse has as little a negative impact on my life whether it be work, home or social.
I am as honest as you can get, I will even grass myself up! I am reliable and I feel I am trustworthy however I place my trust in others rarely!
So I am sure you can guess where this is heading…. this week my trust has been broken, walked all over, shattered and I am now having to deal with the devastating, destructive aftermath of this happening, you would think I would learn by now but no here I am yet again!!
I placed my trust in someone, on occasions I have talked about my abuse with them. Recently I discussed and issue I had that was not in relation to my abuse, looking for advice, support, assistance to working towards a positive solution. I felt positive, felt that I was listened to and that we would work this out, only to hear the words at a later date ” I’m staying out of it” “I’m not getting involved” now these are words I have heard on many occasions over the years usually in a social/friend situation, when you are dealing with drama upset and they throw the information they know about you in your face….. I have learnt well from these experiences and I have not found myself in the situation of having to deal with the aftermath of yet another “friend” breaching the trust you placed in them for many years now.
Anyhow I now find myself in a work related situation where I have misplaced my trust and as well as having to now deal with the devastating affect this will have on me I am also having to work out how I am going to resolve the situation my own. How to deal with being placed in a confrontational environment, being told I had no right to go to another person and ask them for help, “how dare you”, were the words that were used “whats your problem” and they were expecting me to respond, here I am in a room with the person I have concerns around, no supports, no mediator, being verbally attacked like this and I can’t respond… you know another quirk of mine, not being able to speak up for myself, unable to advocate for myself… I can and do for others with the greatest of ease and confidence, but not for myself… never for myself, I never have and I am not sure I ever will.
So what do I do? I walk out of the room and go back to my desk and complete my days work… Classic trauma response you either flight, fight or freeze… I fled…
What do I do? god knows… I can’t ask for help… I am now waiting on the information the person I trusted has in relation to my abuse used against me, because it will be brought up, mentioned, my vulnerability will be used against me, its the perfect excuse to smooth over the cracks with the powers that be, ” you know your a little emotional” “your not thinking straight” ” should you really be doing this job considering what happened to you as a child” etc etc…. I suppose this is what you get when you question someone in a position above you with another in management level and they close ranks…
Lessons to be learnt from this? Trust is a fragile commodity, just because you hold it in high regard does not mean to that others do or will ……
What happens now?? Well the walls go back up, the barriers are replaced and I weather this out as best I can and on my own….. something that I am not unfamiliar with but not been faced with for a few years now….
I do need to make clear that my role does not have an impact on my abuse and my abuse does not on my role…. my abuse is mine and those that I support is theirs and I support and advocate for them alone and I am good at it… These never cross over, I never place another persons abuse against mine or relate their abuse to mine or mine to theirs…
However my abuse does have an impact on my ability to advocate for myself!!
Hope my rantings here are understandable and that having ” spilled my guts out” to coin a phrase, that it will give me the strength that I will need for the forthcoming weeks!!!